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9.1. Into the blue again

Was that all?

It was not enough, not satisfactory in any way.

I sent her a long letter.

I explained the same as I have described above; that I'm at a turning point. I told her that I had fallen into a rabbit hole and what I found down there was her and that in my mind, she was always there.

After a bit of back and forth, she replies rather harshly that she does not want contact with non-humble, pushy, over-analysing, and not least married men. What she did not know was that my marriage was heading towards dissolution.

She says I'm no longer the way I was then long ago. She owes me nothing, she says. And she says that she struggles to keep more people at a distance, not just me.

«Come alive again» is the advice she gives before saying that other letters and messages will be thrown away and deleted.

She wants to be left alone, and she's angry. She beats and fights.

Where did Alma and her «varhet» – mindful presence – go?

Why have I suddenly become someone she does not want to talk to?

You can not call her a strategist.

If she wanted me out of her life, asking me to stay away was not a good choice.

Firstly, it hurt.

For decades, I regarded her as a soulmate, an ally in our twisted view of the world, the lost love of my life – and now she is furious at me.

It hit me in the stomach.

Secondly, I was full of questions, and a genuinely over-analytical and deeply intuitive guy in free fall does not just move away from things that appear incomprehensible.

I go straight on.

I wanted answers; I needed to restore inner peace and move forward.

I embarked on the great work; to find out about myself, the world and the mystery of Alma.

I reacted and felt so strongly because I identify with her. What happened to her could just as easily have happened to me. I projected my things on her, studying myself by pondering over her and seeing connections.

One does not discover oneself by being only in oneself. You must look at yourself from the outside or project your things onto others to see what you're doing and what you are. ACIM is clear on this point: you can not do it alone.

For her, it must have been quite absurd that I became so preoccupied with her fate and whereabouts. I have cried more over her situation than my own, the latter which I do not allow myself to feel.

I found it incomprehensible that she did not want contact.

So I began my investigations into what might have happened to Alma. I could have written a separate book about the process and what I found and thought. But what I discovered is tough stuff, and it's private. Still, I'll tell you a little; in a moment.