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5.7. Why, why?

Why did Alma leave?

What was it with Alma at all?

These questions have plagued me incessantly ever since.

I have made several hypotheses; that she did not see anything in me, did not need me, that I was not clear enough in communicating how important she was to me, that I did not take enough care of her and so on.

But now, after discovering my own injury, I begin to see more clearly.

She must have had a similar injury. It is, to me, obvious.

We both have this unconscious, automatic impulse not to trust others and always ensure our safety through intense vigilance, intuition and analysis.

We repress our emotions, and others experience us as insensitive, sometimes brutal. We both have anger in us for not being understood.

We pull away to protect ourselves.

We leave the everyday world and enter our kingdom, the wolf's domain. The one who sees.

Neither Alma nor I were able to nurture a long-term relationship. We both had the impulse in us to flee.

We dump others before they dump us.

Alma was like me.

Injured, solitary wolves do not live in packs or relationships. Taking care of children in the usual way is beyond our capacity, especially when the child's father is no longer there, as was the case for Alma.

But do not get the impression that it is easy to give up your child.

Do not misunderstand.

Think about it for yourself.

You have a child but realise that you cannot care for it because you have understood your injury. This damage was inflicted on you – probably by your own family. That's how it was for me and must have been for her.

Do you then give your child to the extended family so they can inflict harm again?

That is how I see the background for Alma giving up her daughter.

It must have been a pain none of us can comprehend.

Alma is the strongest person I know.

You will hear later how it went. I have to explain that in the context where it belongs. I can not anticipate it right now.

We are in the years 1985-86.

Alma showed me «varhet» – the alertness, the ability to take in the world in a certain way and see the truth in people and situations, look past, behind, from above, see from a perspective outside «normalcy».

That is nothing but the same as being enlightened.

Look past yourself, and thus also see yourself. It's the same thing.

She also taught me that it is possible to be in such a state without conforming, without compromising. It is possible to float around the world as a free, living creature without degrading oneself, without being a scared herd animal.

Alma is also the bravest person I know.

She was a rebel who would not fit in because she could not. Nor can I. She chose to live authentically as herself rather than bow to a society everyone can see is sick, more now than then.

Alma is thus also the healthiest person I know.

At the same time, all this is coming from harm. She and I could not be like others; we were so broken that it was impossible. We would not have been able to adapt even if we had wanted to.

I tried, but in the end, I failed.

In November 2021, I discovered my injury.

Has Alma discovered hers?

Has she reflected that when she and her twin sister were born, they already had a big brother who was only about a year old?

The father spent the days at work, and the mother was alone with three children of zero and one, respectively.

What exactly was the care situation like for Alma and Maria then?

Does she intellectualise at all about these things?

I have no idea, so then I should not speculate.

I wish I knew what it was like then and have been since for her because we have somehow lived in the same, parallel lives a few kilometres away but still separated by light-years.

Alma went, and life went on.

But that was far from the end of our «relationship».

First, it shall take a few decades. I shall resign, let go, fall, leave everything insignificant.

This is still a story of a spiritual awakening, told for you to see how it can manifest in practice.

I'm trying to show you how painful it is and how beautiful it is simultaneously.

Alma was the seed and the guide – but also my most immense pain, the resistance I needed to awaken.

The resistance was that she left back in 1986, which hurt enough.

But thirty-two years later, more was to happen. I could no longer live among the «normal».

Alma did not meet me when I fell and had to let go of my old, non-authentic wolf-in-sheep-clothes-life.

I do not know, but I have to believe that she neither wanted nor could have contact with me, which I will tell you about a little later.

Thus, I had to confront myself, find myself. The good and the bad she contributed were both necessary.

In my opinion, spiritual awakening has, as I said, three elements:
  1. An injury that brings you out on the side of «normalcy». It shows you that the world is more than everyone tells you.
  2. An impulse to start discovering yourself. You need to be enticed, shown and recognise what you already «know». Alma was my impulse.
  3. A breakdown where you are forced to go into your pain. Alma again – now as resistance, suffering, rejection.
Because she did not «help», I had to help myself.

It was brutal, but it worked because there are no alternatives to being yourself.
I will not have you without
the darkness that hides within you.
I will not let you have me without
the madness that makes me.
If our demons cannot dance,
neither can we ...
Nikita Gill
It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here
It was me on that road
Still, you couldn't see me
Röyksopp: «What else is there.»